My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My penis needs a shock collar
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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