i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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