all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This toilet bowl is my home.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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