Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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