Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize