what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
