Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
