3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize