I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Sorry my hands just texted you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
