she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
