This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
