all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
