i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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