I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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