i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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