Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
