I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
