So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
