oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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