like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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