I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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