I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
