Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
