Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
