my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
