if i can run in heels then i can drive
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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