The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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