dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
