Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
