You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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