I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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