Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize