My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
