I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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