college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize