She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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