I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
