This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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