Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
