Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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