Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He keeps bees of course he's weird
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
