Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
