I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
