My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
