Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
