DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
