I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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