Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize