highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
