i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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