Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
