I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
