At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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