I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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