so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im six kinds of drunk right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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