Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
