Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
