can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
