I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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