I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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