I'm really into asian looking animals
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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