My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
