Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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