can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize