"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
