He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
