I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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