Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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