I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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