I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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