So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
