i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
