im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize