I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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